The darkness woke me. Confusion rippled through my mind before I remembered that I was in Mulder's apartment, on his couch. I relax a little, allowing my head to fall back against the couch. Shadows play against the wall. The events of the past couple of days had resurfaced, manifesting as dreams that played out against my will. Though they ended not as I would expect, well as my dreams are my unconscious thought, maybe it was as I expected. I... I need to leave, now. I have to get away before he wakes up. Maybe he'll forget, no, maybe he won't say anything. If I stay, it might lead to a discussion and take us on a path were not yet ready to travel, or at least..... I better go.

    Fixing my hair in the mirror in his bathroom, I realize I'm stalling. Maybe he'll wake up. Dana stop running away. No, I'm not running, I'm just unsure. I grab my coat off the bed, why it is there I know not. I glance at him briefly; too much longer might prove my undoing. Come on, move. I have to will my feet to walk out the door. After the door clicks shut I lean against it. I regret what I cannot do. What I have realized these past few days is what I want, and that is where my path leads in life. But how do I get started down that path, or am I already on it? But when will I get to that point where I don't have to be unsure, no, where I don't have to run?

I don't bother to peel off my coat, or change my clothes, as I slump onto the couch. I don't turn any lights on. I prefer the solitude only darkness can achieve. But I need some distraction. I fumble for the stereo remote, and turn it to track 8 on the 3rd cd. I make sure the volume is low. I am ready for love, All of the join and the pain, I know right now, this song might make me cry, but I won't let it. To think, seven years without a relationship, except as a friend to Mulder. No love had, lost, but love longed for, dreamed of, and realized. Love from a startlingly close proximity, to be reached for, but never actually grab hold of. Do people really live like this? Or this yet another way to torture us? I've seen it in his eyes, the silent longing I know only too well. I know he feels something for me, I can tell by his actions, and his words, his words most of all. But we've both been in denial, or at least I have, making excuses to not reveal the one secret that we both have kept hidden from each other so long, never to reveal. But I think we both know now, for awhile. But, always a but, but I don't think its right, not yet. Maybe soon, hopefully soon. One day I wont have to hide anymore.

I woke up, the memory of our conversation still fresh, and the possibilities that had been realized renewed once more. Laying here as still as possible, I listen for movement, for some sign of life other than my own. I can't hear a thing, nothing. Did I expect she would stay? I swung my legs over the side of the bed and rubbed my eyes. One way to find out. I get up and walk out to the living room. The blanket is folded neatly. I smile at this, it's so like her. What did I expect from her? If she had stayed what would have happened? I'm not guaranteed that anything would have happened, even though that's what I was dreaming of. I can't do anything now. All I can do is hope........ I walk back to my bed and sprawl across the ruffled sheets. I want the one thing she can't give me, her heart. Where does that leave me?

I've realized that I want something more, I want more meaning, more love, more life. I want more than what I have, and it is possible to have, somehow. I've realized that I want to have a baby. Now, although that may seem selfish. I want a tiny life to care for, and hold close. That thing which I thought I could never have might be possible. I know who I want the father to be. But that's not really a possibility. But maybe, somehow, even if we can't be together.

I shivered as I stepped through the door to our basement office. It seemed colder than usual. Maybe I'm just afraid of what he'll say, or wont say. How do I ask him something like this? I look at the poster on the wall, and I want to believe, not the belief in aliens, the belief that one day you can find the one person you love and spend the rest of your life loving them, being with them, holding them. But that's what we have, isn't it? There's only one thing that has remained unexplored, a mystery to us. The one thing that would put us all the way over the line. I pace back and forth a few times before I finally sit. It's time to start my quest in life. Can I really do this? No, not here, not now. I have to wait. I get up from the chair, and at that moment he enters. I stop in my tracks and smile at him, it is genuine but unsure. He is saying something but I can't hear, I only see the eyes, his eyes which are deep. "I need to talk to you later." That's all I say, then I walk off. I know I've left him confused, but later he'll understand. I hope he does. With all my years in the FBI, this I am not prepared for, this is the hardest thing I've had to do. I just hope I can do it.

I sigh inwardly. I have him sit down and I make my proposition. He seems surprised, but only by the fact that I am asking him. He says he doesn't want this to come between us. I know it can only make us closer. I explain the procedure, the probability of success, and he seems open to the idea. This amazes me. I wouldn't have expected him to be so willing, but maybe he wants this as much as I do. What will everyone at the bureau say? Screw them, this is about me. I love him, and I wish I can say that, I wish I can tell him how much he means to me as he has done so many times. But why can't I say it? What am I afraid of? Maybe that he'll love me back, maybe that I'll lose him, maybe a lot of things. I touch the side of his face and thank him. Now the trial begins. I hope this works, it needs to work.

Why am I doomed to feel pain, sadness, and loss in such great quantities? Why wont it work? Stepping through the door, I see him sitting on the couch. I try to stop the tears, I wont let them come. I tell him the news. It didn't work. I wanted so badly for it to work that I didn't prepare myself for defeat. He tries his best to console me, finally the tears come in great gushes. Rain begins to tap against my windows. The darkness of the apartment helps to sooth my pain. I know he feels the pain too. I could never give him what any man should deserve, a child. Maybe that's one reason why I hold back from him. He holds me here, and I feel his love seeping through. He doesn't want me to give up, but I tell him I have no choice. Am I incomplete because of this? He wants to make the pain go away I can see it in his eyes. All these years, have I been in denial? I want him to be with me. Not as a friend this time, but as a lover. I need his love, because his love fills a void that's been created. I'm lonely without him. I've been lonely for far too long, and so has he. I look into his deep eyes. There is a glint of a tear at the corners.

I have to tell him now, if I don't it might be too late. He wants to get me a drink. I stop him. I look down at my feet. I have to tell him. He wants to know. Finally I look up at him. I take his face in my hands, and lick my rapidly drying lips. I have to take a deep breath. 'I love you.' I whisper as if I say it any louder, everything would disappear. He closes his eyes a moment, then smiles as he looks down at me. 'I love you too.' He whispers. And we just stand there, for what seems like an eternity, we just stand there, drowning in each others eyes. Relief has filled my body, and I want nothing more than to be with him. I pull his head down to meet my lips, and we kiss. A real kiss of passion and longing, and grief swills itself within the emotions being poured out. I can feel an odd energy, a tingling surge through my body. I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel as if this energy will burst out through my heart. It makes me dizzy. And still I want more. He wants us to stop. Doesn't want me to do something I'll regret. How can I regret this? He gives in to my persistent kisses. And this night, in a blissful dream become reality, in ecstasy, this night we became lovers. This night I became whole again.

Laying here in this hospital bed, I am bombarded with a mixture of emotions. A miracle has happened, and my friend and lover has been taken from me. What am I supposed to feel? Happy, or sad? No beyond those feelings altogether. I can only cry first. Tears of joy, then inevitable tears of sadness. If only I could have known, if only I could have told him. The signs were all there, why didn't I see them? Too late now, always too late. Skinner knows without asking who the father is. Now I can only feel numb. You feel lost too long, and you begin to go numb. I'm not sure I can be as happy as I once was. For that short time, so very short. I just want him back. Just to hear his voice again. I love him more than life itself. We may not be soul mates, I think we are beyond that if there is such a thing. I close my eyes and all I can see is his face, his smiling, tired eyes. I can feel his lips brushing against mine. But now I have a life growing inside of me. I can only hope that he comes back soon, before our child is born. I cannot grieve for we will find him. He will be found, I have to find him, no matter what has to be done, I will find him. And together we will walk the path life has chosen for us, together we will live.